Friday, August 12, 2011

Jersey Shore: Like More than A Friend

The tan lines are out of control

So we pick up here, right where we left off. Ronnie is giggling watching Pauly and Deena kiss, and Vinny butts in, quoting Pauly D: "This is the best day of my life!"

Snooki tells Pauly she's excited for him and Deena to hook up, because Deena has wanted to for a while. Even though Pauly is thoroughly drunk, probably the drunkest I've ever seen him, he is hesitant to hook up with Deena, because he's afraid she'll develop feelings for him and then freak out when she sees him with other girls later on. That's basically what happened last season with Snooki and Vinny. Pauly doesn't think it's possible for a girl to smush without developing feelings.

They take two separate cars home. In one, Pauly tells Vinny he would appreciate it if Vinny hooked up with Deena that night. In the other, Deena tries to tell the other girls that she and Pauly are not Snooki and Vinny, and no one should be worried. Meanwhile, Mike puts his arm around Snooki and says he wants to snuggle, but everyone sees through him and says he just wants to get it in.

When Deena gets home she pulls out her Pinocchio marionette puppet, Pierre. So now we've gotten to the bottom of the mystery of "Pinocchio's nose, AW YEAH." While playing with Pierre, Deena falls off some stairs.

At the same time, Ronnie calls someone from home named Hannah, because he wanted to hear her voice. He says she's been really helping him through some stuff, and he invites her to Italy later on. Oh boy. That won't end well.

Deena heads to her room, hoping to crawl into Pauly's bed, but Pauly is already fast asleep.

The next day is Sunday, so Deena, Mike, Pauly and Vinny go shopping for the great Italian tradition: Sunday dinner. Deena is frustrated because nothing is in English and Pauly can't figure out which bottles are shampoo.

After they get back, Sammi suggests that she and Deena cook Sunday dinner. Everyone is speechless. Sammi says she's a good cook, and they'd see that if they would let her cook. From what I've seen, it seems like in the past, every time Sammi's been asked to cook, she kind of doesn't, because she's lazy. If I recall correctly, Ronnie said she couldn't cook during one of their bad fights last season, but who knows how true that is.

Everyone decides to give Sam a chance, so she and Deena go at it. Sammi pulls some strawberries out of the refrigerator and marvels at how strange they look, and she wonders if they're ok to eat like that. Deena tells her that she thinks those are raspberries. This is not a good sign, ladies. I'm glad I don't have to eat your Sunday dinner. While they work, Deena mentions that she's so proud of herself for not falling down the night before. Oh, sweet Deena. At least you only fell down once, right?

The girls put their cutlets in an egg wash, and then they try to wash some dishes. Unbeknownst to them, the dishwasher overflows with suds a bit. On any other reality show I would think that was a staged shenanigan. But in this show it's so genuine! No one even mentions it, it doesn't turn into huge fiasco, and maybe they never even noticed it.

So the girls are kind of famished after breading those cutlets. They haven't eaten anything all day, so they need to run out for a quick bite before they finish cooking. The boys wander into the kitchen and see it's deserted. They have no idea where the girls have gone. They probably wouldn't be thrilled to know they went shopping and then ate at a cafe. They have no idea when the girls will be back, so they decide to just start cooking themselves. The girls get back and are pissed off because they wanted to cook. I really have no idea what these girls were thinking, how long did they think it would take to actually cook? Well Deena gives a helping hand by throwing the pasta into the water before it's come to a boil. Mike is dumbfounded by this, as we all are, I think. Deena's response is a sarcastic, "Don't worry, we have a drainer." Not a very good comeback, but ok.

Snooki sleeps throughout this whole ordeal. When she wakes up, she pulls on her fuzzy yeti boots and calls her boyfriend Jionni. Situation listens in on the conversation, as Jionni gets upset that he hasn't spoken to Snooki in a full day. He doesn't understand how Snooki can go a day without talking to him. I understand what Jionni is saying, but I also have to say my first thought was, that's something a girl says. Anyway, Mike is all too happy to say that if Jionni can't make Snooki happy, he definitely can.

Then Vinny picks up a call from Marco, who is going to the their boss for the month. He tells them to come down for an orientation, but they have trouble finding the pizzeria they'll be working at. Pauly says, "Come si dice 'lost?'" So Vinny must have taught everyone the most useful phrase of all: "How do you say...?"

Well if anybody's lost, it's Sammi and Deena. They pass a cathedral and Sammi asks if it's the Vatican. Deena says she thinks it is. Their eye sight is amazing. That's like seeing the Empire State Building from Baltimore.

When they get to the pizzeria, Pauly wants to spin the dough because he thinks it's his right as a DJ. But Marco decides to make Snooki his guinea pig, and asks her what kind of pizza she wants to make. She says she wants to put pepperoni on it. Marco asks her if she means sweet peppers or hot salami. Of course, she means hot salami, and Vinny and Pauly can't get enough of making hot salami jokes. But, fun fact: "peperone" pizza in Italy has bell peppers on it. Pepperoni as we know it is just salami in Europe, hence the clarification. I... learned something from watching Jersey Shore. Not sure how I should feel right now.

When they get home, Jenni tries to make coffee, but she doesn't know how to work the coffee maker, and she can't find any way to grind the beans. Making coffee in Italy makes her feel like she's in the 1600s. I have sympathy for her, because my boyfriend has this coffee maker and even though he does, I still never knew how to use it.

Night falls, and it's time to go to the club. As soon as Mike walks in this beautiful... well not beautiful, but cute girl starts talking to him but Snooki tells him that girl is ugly. Meanwhile Ronnie is dancing and taking shots, and he tells Jenni that he invited Hannah to come by in 3 weeks. Jenni doesn't know if Sammi knows about Hannah, but she knows for sure, if she tells Sammi about Hannah, Sammi is going to go nuts. Ronnie continues to drink and proclaims he's the pimp daddy mac of the house!!! When he comes out of the bathroom, he must have some wet toilet paper or something on his face, because he looks like he has fabulous eye makeup on.

At this point, Ronnie tells Vinny he had sex with 4 girls in 3 days before he came to Italy. Vinny encourages him, because he says Ronnie is single and that's what he should do. Sammi hears him though, and that sets her off. She tells him not to do that, and Deena drags her away. Sammi lies and says she doesn't care and she doesn't want to be with Ron anymore.

Ronnie confesses to Jenni again about Hannah, and he must be taking a lot of joy in the fact that Sammi will certainly flip out when Hannah gets there, because he laughs so hard he falls sideways. Sammi, meanwhile, is trying to help Deena get home without falling. Deena says she wanted to hook up with some guy, but Sammi says the guy was a douchebag. Deena points to a cop and asks if that's the guy, but Sammi gets her to lock it up so they don't get in trouble.

Mike brings his girl, Britney home, and Snooki still thinks this chick is ugly. She asks Vinny if she is prettier than Britney. Vinny says yes. So Snooki wants to know why the guys would bring these ugly girls home, and Vinny says it's because none of the guys can have Snooki. After Mike and Britney smush, he calls her a cab and kicks her out. Charming.

Snooki tells Mike, again, that Britney is ugly and he could do better. And then... they talk. And this seems like the least real conversation I've ever seen from this show, and it's not because of production, it's because of Mike and Snooki. The conversation is all very high school and basically this. Mike in a round about way says, "I like you," and Snooki says, "What do you mean?" as though she doesn't know what he means. But she knows what he's saying, shes just fishing for him to come out and say it, so she can be like, well, I don't like you that way, I have a boyfriend. I hate when people fish like that, but I also don't believe Sitch has real feelings for her anyway so. That's my two-cents on that situation.

Next morning, everyone goes out to do laundry except Snooki and Ron who are still sleeping. They all go out to eat, when Vinny tells everyone he is done with drunk Sam and Ron. He doesn't want to be with them when they're drinking, because that's when their fights escalate. Sammi says she's trying to get over it, but it's very difficult and she thinks she's doing a good job considering. And Sammi is in a pretty tough spot, so I do have sympathy for her, but just knowing they'll get back together at some point is just cringe inducing. After everyone has made peace with everything, Situation mentions that Ronnie told him he was going to bring back 5 girls last night. Of course, he really wasn't, Sitch adds, like that makes a difference. Everyone gets annoyed that he couldn't keep quiet.

Vinny and Ronnie decide to take the hot tub for a spin. They feel like they're in a soup, and Vinny calls it "zuppa di muscles." He is very clever. They notice that the water is pushing them closer to each other, and they realize it's probably not a spot for 2 dudes.

Mike tries to crawl into bed with Deena and she is, and I quote: "eh about it." She suggests they go smoke a cigarette to get out of it. The next morning, Deena tells everyone about it before they go out to brunch, while Mike was changing his sneakers. They have brunch on a rooftop, and Snooki says she loves Rome. Close... Deena says Florence is her best thing.

This might be a good time to point out that Deena has been using the word "best" to mean "favorite." And I think that's ok, except it sort of makes it seems like she's taking credit for those things that she likes, which is kind of weird.

Ronnie meanwhile, announces that Leonardo DaVinci painted the Vatican by hand. Vinny, the smart one, says that Ronnie means Michelangelo. Yeah, and well, he also means The Sistine Chapel.

So at this point, Pauly blows up Deena's spot and tells Mike that she told everyone she turned him down for snuggling. Deena denies saying it, and Mike denies trying to snuggle with her. Snooki thinks it was messed up for Pauly to do that to Deena when he knows she likes him, but he doesn't really think it was a big deal. Later he tells Deena he understand why she was upset and he gives her a bracelet as penance.

They go out to the club again. Deena falls for the second time. Pauly comments that the girls are super young in this club because of the lower drinking age.

This day is Sammi's turn to get sloppy drunk, and she falls while dancing with Ron. All of a sudden, she wants to talk about their relationship, but Ronnie actually has the common sense to say he doesn't want to talk while drunk. Deena drags Sam away, and while they're in the cab watching the boys leave, Sammi says Ron is going to get into a fight. Deena reacts like Sammi is crazy, but Sam says she just misses him.

Outside the club, Pauly and Vinny create a meme which is currently trending on twitter WORLDWIDE, #shestooyoungforyoubro. It went a little something like this:

Vinny: If she's got a basket on her bicycle, she's to young for you man!
Pauly D: If she still has the parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro!
Vinny: If she only has Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you bro!
Pauly D: If his keds still light up, he's too young for you bro!

Ronnie contributes to the fun by doing a very cute jig:


They get back to the house and Pauly says, if she still plays laser tag, she's too young for you bro. Jenni says, that's me!

Since Mike didn't find anyone to bring home, he calls up Britney, because she's the most DTF chick he's ever met. In the kitchen, Sam and Ron are having a snack, and Sam tells Ronnie she misses him. Ron still has feelings for her, but when he thinks about Jersey, the only way he can describe it is "f*ck me in the ass with a spiked bat." Well, that's what Sammi should be thinking.

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