Jersey Shore: Like More than A Friend

The tan lines are out of control

So we pick up here, right where we left off. Ronnie is giggling watching Pauly and Deena kiss, and Vinny butts in, quoting Pauly D: "This is the best day of my life!"

Snooki tells Pauly she's excited for him and Deena to hook up, because Deena has wanted to for a while. Even though Pauly is thoroughly drunk, probably the drunkest I've ever seen him, he is hesitant to hook up with Deena, because he's afraid she'll develop feelings for him and then freak out when she sees him with other girls later on. That's basically what happened last season with Snooki and Vinny. Pauly doesn't think it's possible for a girl to smush without developing feelings.

They take two separate cars home. In one, Pauly tells Vinny he would appreciate it if Vinny hooked up with Deena that night. In the other, Deena tries to tell the other girls that she and Pauly are not Snooki and Vinny, and no one should be worried. Meanwhile, Mike puts his arm around Snooki and says he wants to snuggle, but everyone sees through him and says he just wants to get it in.

When Deena gets home she pulls out her Pinocchio marionette puppet, Pierre. So now we've gotten to the bottom of the mystery of "Pinocchio's nose, AW YEAH." While playing with Pierre, Deena falls off some stairs.

At the same time, Ronnie calls someone from home named Hannah, because he wanted to hear her voice. He says she's been really helping him through some stuff, and he invites her to Italy later on. Oh boy. That won't end well.

Deena heads to her room, hoping to crawl into Pauly's bed, but Pauly is already fast asleep.

The next day is Sunday, so Deena, Mike, Pauly and Vinny go shopping for the great Italian tradition: Sunday dinner. Deena is frustrated because nothing is in English and Pauly can't figure out which bottles are shampoo.

After they get back, Sammi suggests that she and Deena cook Sunday dinner. Everyone is speechless. Sammi says she's a good cook, and they'd see that if they would let her cook. From what I've seen, it seems like in the past, every time Sammi's been asked to cook, she kind of doesn't, because she's lazy. If I recall correctly, Ronnie said she couldn't cook during one of their bad fights last season, but who knows how true that is.

Everyone decides to give Sam a chance, so she and Deena go at it. Sammi pulls some strawberries out of the refrigerator and marvels at how strange they look, and she wonders if they're ok to eat like that. Deena tells her that she thinks those are raspberries. This is not a good sign, ladies. I'm glad I don't have to eat your Sunday dinner. While they work, Deena mentions that she's so proud of herself for not falling down the night before. Oh, sweet Deena. At least you only fell down once, right?

The girls put their cutlets in an egg wash, and then they try to wash some dishes. Unbeknownst to them, the dishwasher overflows with suds a bit. On any other reality show I would think that was a staged shenanigan. But in this show it's so genuine! No one even mentions it, it doesn't turn into huge fiasco, and maybe they never even noticed it.

So the girls are kind of famished after breading those cutlets. They haven't eaten anything all day, so they need to run out for a quick bite before they finish cooking. The boys wander into the kitchen and see it's deserted. They have no idea where the girls have gone. They probably wouldn't be thrilled to know they went shopping and then ate at a cafe. They have no idea when the girls will be back, so they decide to just start cooking themselves. The girls get back and are pissed off because they wanted to cook. I really have no idea what these girls were thinking, how long did they think it would take to actually cook? Well Deena gives a helping hand by throwing the pasta into the water before it's come to a boil. Mike is dumbfounded by this, as we all are, I think. Deena's response is a sarcastic, "Don't worry, we have a drainer." Not a very good comeback, but ok.

Snooki sleeps throughout this whole ordeal. When she wakes up, she pulls on her fuzzy yeti boots and calls her boyfriend Jionni. Situation listens in on the conversation, as Jionni gets upset that he hasn't spoken to Snooki in a full day. He doesn't understand how Snooki can go a day without talking to him. I understand what Jionni is saying, but I also have to say my first thought was, that's something a girl says. Anyway, Mike is all too happy to say that if Jionni can't make Snooki happy, he definitely can.

Then Vinny picks up a call from Marco, who is going to the their boss for the month. He tells them to come down for an orientation, but they have trouble finding the pizzeria they'll be working at. Pauly says, "Come si dice 'lost?'" So Vinny must have taught everyone the most useful phrase of all: "How do you say...?"

Well if anybody's lost, it's Sammi and Deena. They pass a cathedral and Sammi asks if it's the Vatican. Deena says she thinks it is. Their eye sight is amazing. That's like seeing the Empire State Building from Baltimore.

When they get to the pizzeria, Pauly wants to spin the dough because he thinks it's his right as a DJ. But Marco decides to make Snooki his guinea pig, and asks her what kind of pizza she wants to make. She says she wants to put pepperoni on it. Marco asks her if she means sweet peppers or hot salami. Of course, she means hot salami, and Vinny and Pauly can't get enough of making hot salami jokes. But, fun fact: "peperone" pizza in Italy has bell peppers on it. Pepperoni as we know it is just salami in Europe, hence the clarification. I... learned something from watching Jersey Shore. Not sure how I should feel right now.

When they get home, Jenni tries to make coffee, but she doesn't know how to work the coffee maker, and she can't find any way to grind the beans. Making coffee in Italy makes her feel like she's in the 1600s. I have sympathy for her, because my boyfriend has this coffee maker and even though he does, I still never knew how to use it.

Night falls, and it's time to go to the club. As soon as Mike walks in this beautiful... well not beautiful, but cute girl starts talking to him but Snooki tells him that girl is ugly. Meanwhile Ronnie is dancing and taking shots, and he tells Jenni that he invited Hannah to come by in 3 weeks. Jenni doesn't know if Sammi knows about Hannah, but she knows for sure, if she tells Sammi about Hannah, Sammi is going to go nuts. Ronnie continues to drink and proclaims he's the pimp daddy mac of the house!!! When he comes out of the bathroom, he must have some wet toilet paper or something on his face, because he looks like he has fabulous eye makeup on.

At this point, Ronnie tells Vinny he had sex with 4 girls in 3 days before he came to Italy. Vinny encourages him, because he says Ronnie is single and that's what he should do. Sammi hears him though, and that sets her off. She tells him not to do that, and Deena drags her away. Sammi lies and says she doesn't care and she doesn't want to be with Ron anymore.

Ronnie confesses to Jenni again about Hannah, and he must be taking a lot of joy in the fact that Sammi will certainly flip out when Hannah gets there, because he laughs so hard he falls sideways. Sammi, meanwhile, is trying to help Deena get home without falling. Deena says she wanted to hook up with some guy, but Sammi says the guy was a douchebag. Deena points to a cop and asks if that's the guy, but Sammi gets her to lock it up so they don't get in trouble.

Mike brings his girl, Britney home, and Snooki still thinks this chick is ugly. She asks Vinny if she is prettier than Britney. Vinny says yes. So Snooki wants to know why the guys would bring these ugly girls home, and Vinny says it's because none of the guys can have Snooki. After Mike and Britney smush, he calls her a cab and kicks her out. Charming.

Snooki tells Mike, again, that Britney is ugly and he could do better. And then... they talk. And this seems like the least real conversation I've ever seen from this show, and it's not because of production, it's because of Mike and Snooki. The conversation is all very high school and basically this. Mike in a round about way says, "I like you," and Snooki says, "What do you mean?" as though she doesn't know what he means. But she knows what he's saying, shes just fishing for him to come out and say it, so she can be like, well, I don't like you that way, I have a boyfriend. I hate when people fish like that, but I also don't believe Sitch has real feelings for her anyway so. That's my two-cents on that situation.

Next morning, everyone goes out to do laundry except Snooki and Ron who are still sleeping. They all go out to eat, when Vinny tells everyone he is done with drunk Sam and Ron. He doesn't want to be with them when they're drinking, because that's when their fights escalate. Sammi says she's trying to get over it, but it's very difficult and she thinks she's doing a good job considering. And Sammi is in a pretty tough spot, so I do have sympathy for her, but just knowing they'll get back together at some point is just cringe inducing. After everyone has made peace with everything, Situation mentions that Ronnie told him he was going to bring back 5 girls last night. Of course, he really wasn't, Sitch adds, like that makes a difference. Everyone gets annoyed that he couldn't keep quiet.

Vinny and Ronnie decide to take the hot tub for a spin. They feel like they're in a soup, and Vinny calls it "zuppa di muscles." He is very clever. They notice that the water is pushing them closer to each other, and they realize it's probably not a spot for 2 dudes.

Mike tries to crawl into bed with Deena and she is, and I quote: "eh about it." She suggests they go smoke a cigarette to get out of it. The next morning, Deena tells everyone about it before they go out to brunch, while Mike was changing his sneakers. They have brunch on a rooftop, and Snooki says she loves Rome. Close... Deena says Florence is her best thing.

This might be a good time to point out that Deena has been using the word "best" to mean "favorite." And I think that's ok, except it sort of makes it seems like she's taking credit for those things that she likes, which is kind of weird.

Ronnie meanwhile, announces that Leonardo DaVinci painted the Vatican by hand. Vinny, the smart one, says that Ronnie means Michelangelo. Yeah, and well, he also means The Sistine Chapel.

So at this point, Pauly blows up Deena's spot and tells Mike that she told everyone she turned him down for snuggling. Deena denies saying it, and Mike denies trying to snuggle with her. Snooki thinks it was messed up for Pauly to do that to Deena when he knows she likes him, but he doesn't really think it was a big deal. Later he tells Deena he understand why she was upset and he gives her a bracelet as penance.

They go out to the club again. Deena falls for the second time. Pauly comments that the girls are super young in this club because of the lower drinking age.

This day is Sammi's turn to get sloppy drunk, and she falls while dancing with Ron. All of a sudden, she wants to talk about their relationship, but Ronnie actually has the common sense to say he doesn't want to talk while drunk. Deena drags Sam away, and while they're in the cab watching the boys leave, Sammi says Ron is going to get into a fight. Deena reacts like Sammi is crazy, but Sam says she just misses him.

Outside the club, Pauly and Vinny create a meme which is currently trending on twitter WORLDWIDE, #shestooyoungforyoubro. It went a little something like this:

Vinny: If she's got a basket on her bicycle, she's to young for you man!

Pauly D: If she still has the parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro!

Vinny: If she only has Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you bro!

Pauly D: If his keds still light up, he's too young for you bro!

Ronnie contributes to the fun by doing a very cute jig:

GIFSoup

They get back to the house and Pauly says, if she still plays laser tag, she's too young for you bro. Jenni says, that's me!

Since Mike didn't find anyone to bring home, he calls up Britney, because she's the most DTF chick he's ever met. In the kitchen, Sam and Ron are having a snack, and Sam tells Ronnie she misses him. Ron still has feelings for her, but when he thinks about Jersey, the only way he can describe it is "f*ck me in the ass with a spiked bat." Well, that's what Sammi should be thinking.

Jersey Shore: Going to Italia

The first episode of Jersey Shore in Italy was off to a slow start in my opinion. Hopefully once the dust settles, it will be a lot more entertaining than it was last night, because it was kind of a snooze.

In any case, the episode opened by catching up with each cast member, and watching them model for their passport photos as they prepare for Italy. Some chose to look up some phrases that might be useful. Sammi practices saying "I have cramps," while Vinny opts to learn "no grenades." That one is definitely going to come in handy, as Vinny brags about how good he looks with his new beard. "I don't think anybody's gonna recognize me with this beard," he says. "I'm so much more better looking."

And there he is, in the middle. What a beard it is. Vinny says he needs to find out the age of consent before he takes off. His uncle tells him, if the girl has hair under her arms, she's good to go.

J-Woww and Roger are still together after becoming ~exclusive at the end of last season. Snooki also has a new man, Jionni, who she's been with for 6 months. Ronnie, on the other hand, is referring to himself as "Single Ronnie," and his friends threaten to kick him in the nuts if he hangs out with Sam or cries on tv. Again.

All the girls will be flying over together, as will all the boys. Both sides want to arrive first, because they want to have the pick of the good rooms. Vinny thinks the guys could get to Italy a day late, and still be there before the girls.

And he's right about that, because the trip for the girls is a FIASCO. Snooki struggles to lug around the 8 bags she packed. After a layover, the girls end up landing in Milan instead of Florence. At the airport, Snooki realizes she needs to exchange money, and she sees a kiosk. She asks if that's where she can get pesos. She's only a few thousand miles off the mark.

J-Woww has her own crisis to deal with, as one of her bronzers exploded in her bag. Now she only has 8 bronzers left, which she says is only enough to last her for 10 days.

The girls start running through the airport to get somewhere, but Deena doesn't know where she's going, she's just running aimlessly. That is, until she falls right on her face. She wonders aloud if "the boys are having this much problems." Well the boys are not, their plane has already landed in the correct city, whereas the girls have to drive 45 minutes to get to the house. 45 minutes, that is... until they get stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Snooki announces that she feels like crying. Everyone tells her not to cry, and she responds that she isn't really going to cry. BUT SHE FEELS LIKE IT.

As the boys drive through Florence, they discover that the streets are very narrow. Pauly D says that when they go out walking around, Ronnie isn't going to be able to fit through the streets without walking sideways. The boys arrive at the house and get their pick of the rooms. Pauly D and Vinny pick a nice room with 3 beds, and Ronnie and Situation share a room with 2 beds. Ronnie figures it's best not to share a room with his ex-girlfriend Sam, because he figures, if they do, they'll inevitably "smush."

When the girls arrive, Deena volunteers to take the extra bed in Pauly and Vinny's room. Last year Deena was into Ronnie's type, as evidenced by her bringing a Ronnie doppelganger, who had all of the looks, but somehow even less of the charm of that abusive coke fiend... allegedly. This year though, Denna is into Pauly's type and she thinks they could become friends with benefits. Pauly should be careful, because if things don't go well, she might stalk his whole life in the piazza.

Ronnie celebrates being the tannest one there, which is quite a feat. Even Sam admits he looks really good. Pauly doesn't know if Sammi is going to play the field now that she's single. All he knows is her boobs have gotten bigger. Interesting he should mention that, because moments later, Snooki, Sam and Jenni talk about fake boobs, and Sam and Snooki both want a pair. They find it really gross that their real boobs move to the side and stuff when they lay down, as nature intended. GROSS.

Everyone comes to the living room to sit before they explore on their first night in Italy. Ronnie sits down in a chair and it immediately collapses under his weight like it was made from pieces of cardboard held together with scotch tape. Pauly. Goes. Nuts. He says over and over, "That was the best thing of my life!" And hearing Pauly say that, was the best thing of mine.

Deena talks to Mike about how much fun the single people in the house are going to have, everyone except Jenni and Snooki. Mike says he thought Snooki was single. Deena says she isn't, but Mike says, trust me, she will be here. Sam is DISGUSTED, as she often is. She thinks Mike wants to ruin Snooki's relationship, because he's a serial relationship ruiner. Just look what he did to her and Ron!

The next morning, Pauly gets up bright and early and wakes everyone up by blowing his new grenade horn. He doesn't want the day to go to waste. He asks Vinny if he and his beard both slept well.

The roommates discover that only Pauly D and Snooki know how to drive stick, so any time they need to drive anywhere (which will be always) those two are the only ones who can drive. Jenni is already dreading it, she has no confidence in Snooki. To make matters worse, the navigation system in the cars is Italian-only, but Vinny doesn't think it makes a difference, since the girls wouldn't be able to understand it in English either. Snooki gets in the car and tries to move the seat up, so her short little legs can reach the pedals. As she does, the car jerks around several feet. Snooki asks in a panic, is the car on??? Um... I sort of hope so... or else you have some pretty interesting problems on your hands.

The girls and boys get separated in their travels when the girls get lost. They have to go back to the house where they are attacked by pigeons that Snooki thinks are trying to bite their ears. Yeah, those ferocious pigeons with their pointy teeth and stuff, how scary!

It's their second night in Italy, which means they need to get their club on! Jenni doesn't think the house has enough outlets, especially after they blow the fuse in the bathroom. They have to do their hair in the kitchen. Deena uses Sammi's flat iron, and it's set so high that it burns her hair clean off.

Meanwhile, Situation confesses to Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up 2-3 months ago. If you'll recall, this is a problemo, because Snooki's been with Jionni for 6 months. Mike tells Ronnie that he might actually be starting to like Snooki. Ronnie think Situation is full of crap, because Snooki calls Jionni three times a day, and he doesn't think Snooki would cheat on him.

Vinny teaches Pauly D how to translate his catchphrase into Italian. TAXIS SONO QUI!! It... doesn't have the same ring as "The cabs are here," sadly. The Situation sends out a warning: "Padres, you better lock up your bambinis."

The club they go to looks sort of amazing. It's really colorful and there's fire flying all over the place. Deena says this club is better than DJs in Bellmar. "And DJs is my best club, just sayin."

The guys now realize that in order to spit game to these Italian chicks, they need someone to translate for them, and Vinny is the only one who speaks any Italian. So that means Vinny will probably have the chance to get Situation back for pulling robberies on him in Jersey.

Ronnie sees that Mike is trying to hook up with Snooki at the club, which is very gross and disturbing, but the most distracting thing is that Ronnie keeps calling her SH-nooki. That's not her name. Not even her fake name. In any case, Ronnie says he hopes Shnooki won't hook up with Mike, and when Mike tries to kiss her, she's not havin it.

Deena and Pauly on the other hand, quite a different story. The episode ends with a makeout so sloppy, it can't possibly be real. And yet, it is. Not really a parting image that makes me want to tune in to the next episode though.

Jersey Shore Statistics

In celebration of the return of Jersey Shore, MTV released this infographic on their blog, featuring various statistics pertaining to each cast member. Some of them definitely seem tongue-in-cheek, (Sammi's tears are unquantifiable, and the number of pick up lines J-Woww's gotten at Karma seems like it would be difficult to count.) Most of them seem like they could be legitimate though, and some are more surprising than others.

I love that Sammi has a minimum of 3 pairs of white jorts... frankly, I love the word jorts, and I love how much Sammi wears them.

It's hard to believe Vinny's only sold 2 t-shirts over 2 summers at the Shore Store. I'm even more surprised that they make the cast keep a job over the summer, since it adds so little to the show.

That Situation has threatened to take away family dinner 14 times is interesting, but not surprising. After all, he is the daddy of the house, and what he says goes.

Most shocking to me was that Ronnie's turned the BBQ grill on after 3AM 26 times!!!!!! 26! It seems like half the time he just stays home with Sam and turns in early. Really drives home just how often they go clubbing.

Full size graphic here: http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/js-950x2870-large.jpg

Jersey Shore: How Will They Destroy The New House?

People have been pretty impressed to see the house the Jersey Shore cast lived in while in Florence earlier this year. I must admit, it looks much nicer than I expected when I heard the spot was formerly a bank.

The cast isn't particularly known for their restraint, and we certainly can't expect them to keep this house any tidier than the last two. Let's take a moment to remember just a few of the ways that Sitch & co. destroyed their former cribs:

- In a particularly violent tiff with Sammi last season, Ronnie tore apart their bedroom, threw her bed outside, and smashed most of her belongings, including her glasses.

- In Miami, someone (they accuse Angelina) left a used pad on the floor in the bathroom. Situation retaliates by putting the pad under Angelina's pillow. The phrase "dirty little hamster" was born, and the world was never the same.

- Back in Jersey last summer, a mystery pair of dirty white period underwear were discovered in the bathroom. Pauly demands someone take responsibility for the panties, but no one comes forward. We know they aren't Pauly's; he has the same kind, but his are red.

- Also in last season, Snooki wants to get back at Situation for a prank. She smears stinky cheese in his sheets, causing him to think one of the girls he brings home has some sort of disease.

- The Seaside house was plagued with plumbing issues in Season 3. When the cast had finally clogged all the toilets (someone had to drop a deuce in an already clogged toilet on top of everything), they were forced to call a plumber, and we discovered part of the problem. Someone had flushed a wifebeater down the toilet: size small. Obvious culprit: Vinny. The girls think he dropped it in the toilet and didn't want to reach in to take it out. Pauly suspects Vinny got spooked by an alien invasion and used the wifebeater to cover his eyes, and then flushed it to hide the evidence of the invasion. The cast teaches America the term "guinea tee," which apparently no one knew.

- The Situation, angry with his roommates and home alone with J-Woww's dogs, unleashes the dogs on the house encouraging them to poop anywhere and everywhere, after allowing them to eat out of the garbage.

As far as we can see from the extended trailer, I suspect that before Ronnie knocks Situation out, he takes a little time to flip his bed over as well. There's plenty of more destruction in store for us.