Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore: Going to Italia

The guys attempt to read a map of Florence.

The first episode of Jersey Shore in Italy was off to a slow start in my opinion. Hopefully once the dust settles, it will be a lot more entertaining than it was last night, because it was kind of a snooze.

In any case, the episode opened by catching up with each cast member, and watching them model for their passport photos as they prepare for Italy. Some chose to look up some phrases that might be useful. Sammi practices saying "I have cramps," while Vinny opts to learn "no grenades." That one is definitely going to come in handy, as Vinny brags about how good he looks with his new beard. "I don't think anybody's gonna recognize me with this beard," he says. "I'm so much more better looking."

The roommates toast to their first night in Italy.

And there he is, in the middle. What a beard it is. Vinny says he needs to find out the age of consent before he takes off. His uncle tells him, if the girl has hair under her arms, she's good to go.

J-Woww and Roger are still together after becoming ~exclusive at the end of last season. Snooki also has a new man, Jionni, who she's been with for 6 months. Ronnie, on the other hand, is referring to himself as "Single Ronnie," and his friends threaten to kick him in the nuts if he hangs out with Sam or cries on tv. Again.

All the girls will be flying over together, as will all the boys. Both sides want to arrive first, because they want to have the pick of the good rooms. Vinny thinks the guys could get to Italy a day late, and still be there before the girls.

And he's right about that, because the trip for the girls is a FIASCO. Snooki struggles to lug around the 8 bags she packed. After a layover, the girls end up landing in Milan instead of Florence. At the airport, Snooki realizes she needs to exchange money, and she sees a kiosk. She asks if that's where she can get pesos. She's only a few thousand miles off the mark.

J-Woww has her own crisis to deal with, as one of her bronzers exploded in her bag. Now she only has 8 bronzers left, which she says is only enough to last her for 10 days.

The girls start running through the airport to get somewhere, but Deena doesn't know where she's going, she's just running aimlessly. That is, until she falls right on her face. She wonders aloud if "the boys are having this much problems." Well the boys are not, their plane has already landed in the correct city, whereas the girls have to drive 45 minutes to get to the house. 45 minutes, that is... until they get stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Snooki announces that she feels like crying. Everyone tells her not to cry, and she responds that she isn't really going to cry. BUT SHE FEELS LIKE IT.

As the boys drive through Florence, they discover that the streets are very narrow. Pauly D says that when they go out walking around, Ronnie isn't going to be able to fit through the streets without walking sideways. The boys arrive at the house and get their pick of the rooms. Pauly D and Vinny pick a nice room with 3 beds, and Ronnie and Situation share a room with 2 beds. Ronnie figures it's best not to share a room with his ex-girlfriend Sam, because he figures, if they do, they'll inevitably "smush."

When the girls arrive, Deena volunteers to take the extra bed in Pauly and Vinny's room. Last year Deena was into Ronnie's type, as evidenced by her bringing a Ronnie doppelganger, who had all of the looks, but somehow even less of the charm of that abusive coke fiend... allegedly. This year though, Denna is into Pauly's type and she thinks they could become friends with benefits. Pauly should be careful, because if things don't go well, she might stalk his whole life in the piazza.

Ronnie celebrates being the tannest one there, which is quite a feat. Even Sam admits he looks really good. Pauly doesn't know if Sammi is going to play the field now that she's single. All he knows is her boobs have gotten bigger. Interesting he should mention that, because moments later, Snooki, Sam and Jenni talk about fake boobs, and Sam and Snooki both want a pair. They find it really gross that their real boobs move to the side and stuff when they lay down, as nature intended. GROSS.

Everyone comes to the living room to sit before they explore on their first night in Italy. Ronnie sits down in a chair and it immediately collapses under his weight like it was made from pieces of cardboard held together with scotch tape. Pauly. Goes. Nuts. He says over and over, "That was the best thing of my life!" And hearing Pauly say that, was the best thing of mine.

Deena talks to Mike about how much fun the single people in the house are going to have, everyone except Jenni and Snooki. Mike says he thought Snooki was single. Deena says she isn't, but Mike says, trust me, she will be here. Sam is DISGUSTED, as she often is. She thinks Mike wants to ruin Snooki's relationship, because he's a serial relationship ruiner. Just look what he did to her and Ron!

The next morning, Pauly gets up bright and early and wakes everyone up by blowing his new grenade horn. He doesn't want the day to go to waste. He asks Vinny if he and his beard both slept well.

The roommates discover that only Pauly D and Snooki know how to drive stick, so any time they need to drive anywhere (which will be always) those two are the only ones who can drive. Jenni is already dreading it, she has no confidence in Snooki. To make matters worse, the navigation system in the cars is Italian-only, but Vinny doesn't think it makes a difference, since the girls wouldn't be able to understand it in English either. Snooki gets in the car and tries to move the seat up, so her short little legs can reach the pedals. As she does, the car jerks around several feet. Snooki asks in a panic, is the car on??? Um... I sort of hope so... or else you have some pretty interesting problems on your hands.

The girls and boys get separated in their travels when the girls get lost. They have to go back to the house where they are attacked by pigeons that Snooki thinks are trying to bite their ears. Yeah, those ferocious pigeons with their pointy teeth and stuff, how scary!

It's their second night in Italy, which means they need to get their club on! Jenni doesn't think the house has enough outlets, especially after they blow the fuse in the bathroom. They have to do their hair in the kitchen. Deena uses Sammi's flat iron, and it's set so high that it burns her hair clean off.

Meanwhile, Situation confesses to Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up 2-3 months ago. If you'll recall, this is a problemo, because Snooki's been with Jionni for 6 months. Mike tells Ronnie that he might actually be starting to like Snooki. Ronnie think Situation is full of crap, because Snooki calls Jionni three times a day, and he doesn't think Snooki would cheat on him.

Vinny teaches Pauly D how to translate his catchphrase into Italian. TAXIS SONO QUI!! It... doesn't have the same ring as "The cabs are here," sadly. The Situation sends out a warning: "Padres, you better lock up your bambinis."

The club they go to looks sort of amazing. It's really colorful and there's fire flying all over the place. Deena says this club is better than DJs in Bellmar. "And DJs is my best club, just sayin."

The guys now realize that in order to spit game to these Italian chicks, they need someone to translate for them, and Vinny is the only one who speaks any Italian. So that means Vinny will probably have the chance to get Situation back for pulling robberies on him in Jersey.

Ronnie sees that Mike is trying to hook up with Snooki at the club, which is very gross and disturbing, but the most distracting thing is that Ronnie keeps calling her SH-nooki. That's not her name. Not even her fake name. In any case, Ronnie says he hopes Shnooki won't hook up with Mike, and when Mike tries to kiss her, she's not havin it.

Deena and Pauly on the other hand, quite a different story. The episode ends with a makeout so sloppy, it can't possibly be real. And yet, it is. Not really a parting image that makes me want to tune in to the next episode though.

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